Walking the Path

After my yoga class today a friend asked how I was doing.  I could tell she meant it in regards to my health and Lyme Disease, not just the usual meaningless "how are you?" we robotically repeat through out our day.  I told her that I had been feeling much better, but had taken a step backward in the last couple of weeks.  We talked about it for a bit, and as she was turning to leave she smiled and said "you're just on a path, with ups and downs."  

And it's true.  My experience with Lyme Disease is a path that I will likely be on for the rest of my life in some way or another, although the hope is that it will take a back seat at some point (preferably in the way waaaay back:).  One of the most frustrating things about it (and there are many) is that there are so many unexpected twists and turns on this particular path.  I rarely know how I'm going to feel from day to day, and as happened in the last couple of weeks, I might suddenly take a turn for the worse for no discernible reason. 

 I used to (and admittedly still do) drive myself crazy obsessing about WHY I felt worse today than I did yesterday, or why my symptoms had increased.  Granted this was mostly during the nearly 5 years in which the disease went undiagnosed, allowing room for me to come up with a million different causes for feeling like crap most of the time.  I now try to remember that I have a disease, the majority of which is not in my control, and to admit that sometimes I won't be able to know why I feel one way or another.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't still suck big time, or that I don't occasionally have a total melt down and cry and feel angry and sad and sorry for myself, and mostly just like "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!"  Because I do all of those things.  In fact I did exactly that about a week ago when I finally admitted that I was taking a step backwards in my progress.  More pain, and aching joints, and limping around with a swollen, hurting foot, and being tired and feverish and worst of all not being able to just live my life in the way I want.  Sometimes I feel so frustrated and angry that I don't even know what to do with all of my feelings.

But then, of course, life goes on.  I adjust and try to remember that it's a path, and not a straight one at that.  It is full of zigs and zags, and there's no map to follow.  I have to just keep trekking along (or limping as it were), and try to remember that it will get better, and to enjoy all of the good things in my life in the meantime.  

There are many, so that makes it easier.